Funny Courtroom SayingsHere are some funny lines that were actually said in court. Enjoy! 


  • Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
  • Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"

  • Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"

  • Witness: "My name is Susan."


 

  • Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

  • Witness: "No."

  • Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

  • Witness: "No."

  • Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

  • Witness: "No."

  • Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

  • Witness: "No."

  • Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

  • Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

  • Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

  • Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


 

  • Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"

  • Witness: "I only have one, you know."


 

  • Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"

  • Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."


 

  • Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"

  • Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."

  • Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"

  • Witness: "Er...his face."


 

  • Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"

  • Witness: "After the accident?"

  • Lawyer: "Before the accident."

  • Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."


 

  • Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"

  • Witness: "Yes."

  • Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"

  • Witness: "Yes, sir."

  • Lawyer: "What did she say?"

  • Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"


 

  • Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"

  • Officer: "Yes, I do."

  • Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"

  • Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."


 

  • Lawyer: "What happened then?"

  • Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"

  • Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"

  • Witness: "No."


 

  • Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"

  • Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."


 

  • Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

 

  • Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"


 

  • Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"


 

  • Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"


 

  • Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"


 

  • Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

  • Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"


 

  • Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"

  • Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."

  • Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"